Recently, in class, we had been talking about love is not a continuum but a permanent state of being. There’s no opposite to love — you ARE love. That’s what you’re made of.
So if you ARE love, then why do people treat love like a currency? Why do we teach people that your love that makes you up is something to barter and withhold from people? Why do we teach people that love is pain? It’s not.
Despite all the rock songs in the word, love never created ANY pain in the history of humanity. Now you think I’m crazy, right?
“What about my ex-boyfriend that I loved and he broke my heart? It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I hate him now.”
If you said this to me I would argue that it wasn’t your love for your ex that created the pain. It was your expectations on the outcome of your love that created them. You thought that loving him was a transaction. That you would get something in return. Maybe safety, security, validation of your attractiveness, sex… whatever. You WANTED something from him. You didn’t love him — you liked him, you had a bond with him, but love… well if you truly loved it would never stop. If you were honest with yourself, you would admit that you never TRULY loved him. If you did TRULY love him… then love couldn’t be the scapegoat for causing you pain.
People get these things very confused. We toss around the word “love” interchangeably with “like”. This has caused us to misinterpret love as a conditional thing.
If you’re acting from a place of true love — there is no consequence or outcome. YOU CAN’T HELP yourself but to act lovingly. You will do things with no outcome in mind because love will compel you to act. Even if your loving actions aren’t reciprocated, you are satisfied only with giving the love away.
If you’re not careful, and you are not aware of any expectations (either your own, or another’s) — that’s when you get hurt. That’s when you start to let other people teach you to compartmentalize your true loving nature. Because you equate love with expectation and it’s very important to separate the two to maintain happiness in your life.
I read an unaccredited quote on a Zen website that says “Love unto others as you would love unto your self” and I realized that in our society we have taught ourselves that all love is conditional. It’s a temporary state, a period of time, like summer or the flu.
You love yourself if you are thin but if you’re fat… well… you don’t. So then you take that judgement you have about yourself into the world and apply it to others. Fat people aren’t deserving of love in their lives. Then you don’t act lovingly towards them. You stop treating fat people like people.
This isn’t only limited to weight. Putting conditions on love will affect all aspects of your life. You’ll never be able to truly connect for fear that “love” will cause you pain. So you never will let anything out. You’ll never grow as nature intended you to. You’ll stay really stuck, unsatisfied, and unhappy. That’s not what life was designed to do. It’s unnatural.
You don’t love someone and then stop loving them if you REALLY loved them in the first place. You may not want to be around them, you may not like them anymore but if you truly love — it doesn’t stop. It doesn’t end even though you know you’re not good for them or they’re not good for you or blah blah blah. A relationship will usually end because someone thinks someone should act a certain way and doesn’t respect or acknowledge the fact that the other is their own person — not an actor in the movie of their lives — but a separate entity that is working on their own path.
If you find yourself lacking in love in your life, I suggest the following:
- Remind yourself that past painful experiences had NOTHING to do with love and everything to do with expectation
- Take inventory of your expectations and work really hard to observe them instead of mistaking them for love
- Act with love just to act lovingly.
If you act lovingly with no regard for an outcome, you’ll create a boomerang that will only bring more love into your life. If you observe your expectations, they’ll no longer be your master — love will be your master and you’ll be much happier for it.